Miss Bennett in the Bay

Yesterday, M was reading Muggie Maggie by Beverly Cleary. In that story, the main character is learning to write in cursive, so parts of the text are printed in written cursive. He comes up to me and says, “Ms. Bennett, I can’t read this book.”
Me: Why not?
M: Because I don’t talk cursive.

We had back to school night on Wednesday. It went pretty well, considering I was grossly unprepared for it. Jess and I spent tons of time working on these packets for our parents, and then we forgot to copy like 3 pages for them that we had gotten from another teacher. And we made 20 copies for each of us and then we each only had like 8 parents show up. At least the parents who did show up in my class were impressed with my Big Goal and tracking system. One remarked, “80%. Wow. That is really good.” Yes, yes it is.

During the day on Tuesday, I was expecting my PD to show up to observe me since I told her I desperately needed help. So, after recess, I was sharpening pencils (since my Pencil Doctor neglected to do so) while the kids were making a picture for Back to School Night. I hear the door open, and I turn around expecting to see my PD. Was she there? No, instead I see, standing in my very own classroom, the Executive Director of TFA in the Bay Area. The Executive Director. In MY classroom. Luckily, the kids are really well-behaved when I put crayons in front of them, although one of them asked me if the ED was my dad. The ED is about 5 years older than me. But, these kids also think that I am 40 years old, so I guess they have difficulty determining how old somebody is just by looking at them. Anyway, the ED left me a really nice note, so that made me feel better. And my PD told me that after her observation, she thinks things are going really well in my classroom. I wish I could see it from an outside perspective, because most of the time I feel like not a single one of my students listens to anything that I have to say.

The most amazing thing about teaching to me is how up and down it is. I can wake up in the morning totally hating my life and by noon feel really excited about teaching just because one kid finally understood ten more and ten less. On the other hand, I can wake up feeling really prepared for my day only to find out at about 9:30 that I was thinking about all of my plans in the wrong way and I’ve been wasting my entire morning. I work about 12 hour days every single day, only to go home and plan plan plan until I get so tired that I drop. I feel more emotional on the weekends because it’s the first time all week that I’ve had to process all the ridiculous stuff that’s happened to me, and I am never able to catch up on my sleep and feel rested. Oh, well. Only 7 more weeks until I come home for Thanksgiving.

Last night I had a dream that kind of served as a reality check for me. It was really quite strange, but the gist is that Scott and I ran into some random people wearing Phi Sigma Pi (our honors fraternity) shirts in the mall. I ran over to them and started talking to them and they said they were from a Pennsylvania chapter. I asked them what brought them to the Bay Area, and they said that Grand Chapter was being held in San Jose. After leaving them, I realized that that meant that there were at least 2 Brothers from my chapter who were in my city who had never bothered to email me or call me.

After I woke up, I realized that what is really going on here is that I have completely lost touch with reality and my former life.

The weather in San Jose this weekend has been cloudy and cool, which in Boulder meant a sure sign that fall was coming. On Friday night we had this awesome thunderstorm with huge lightning bolts across the sky that reminded me of home. Yesterday I was finally able to go through some of the books for my classroom library, and I came across The Wind in the Willows, which my dad used to read out loud to me before I went to sleep. All of these things plus my dream have led me to one conclusion: I am homesick.

I’ve never really been homesick before, but then again, I’ve never been that far away from home for any extended period of time. This feeling is exacerbated by the fact that I’m working 10-12 hour days every single day. Today will be the first day that I truly have to do nothing school related since this journey began in May. And I probably will still end up doing school stuff just to try to get ahead for the week.

I know that I should be Working Relentlessly to help these kids make big gains. And I think I really am. The fact that I’ve lost touch with pretty much everyone (including Scott, and I live with him) should tell me as much. But the fact of the matter is that already, after only four weeks, I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. I have perpetually dark circles under my eyes. I’ve lost some weight, so my cheeks are thinner. My skin is finally starting to recover from Institute, but it’s kind of dry all the time. I’m always wearing business casual clothing, and my wardrobe from college has been completely cleaned out. And instead of carrying around psychology books, I’m carrying around 50 pounds of random teaching supplies.

I think what I’m really trying to say is that I’m generally unhappy right now. As I’ve mentioned, my students are out of control most of the time, which makes me exhausted, and then I’m so anxious about the fact that I can’t control them enough to teach them anything that I can’t sleep. The result is that the next day I’m so tired I can’t control my students. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t break and I spent a lot of time yesterday trying to Plan so Purposefully that my week cannot possibly go badly. We shall see.

I have decided that I am coming home for Thanksgiving. We get Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off that week, so I could fly home on Tuesday night and fly back Saturday night or Sunday morning and still have enough time to see everyone and relax. Ok. Big, deep breath. I just have to survive until the fourth week in November and then I can have a break.

Well, I’m still teaching second grade. My TFA colleague, Dave, stepped up and took the kinder position. He said, “I’d rather die, but I’m the only one who speaks Spanish so it makes sense. And that is true.”

So, last Friday, at about 9:30, four new students entered my class. Yes, that would be in the middle of reading a decodable book. Yes, half an hour before morning recess. Yes, an hour after school started.

Why at 9:30? I have no idea.

I didn’t even find out that I was officially getting those students until 8 am. And I didn’t learn their names until they entered the classroom. The whole thing was very well planned, let me tell you.

I had to re-do my investment. I was lucky because those kids had had a Big Goal with Dave, and it was pretty similar to mine, so they pretty much accepted it. The other 16 of my kids were really annoyed that we had to do it again. So much for investment.

Then on Tuesday at about 9:50 I got a phone call from the office: “Uh, Ms. Bennett? We’re sending a new student to your class right now.” Are you kidding me? In three days I went from barely being able to scrape together 14 students to busting at the seams with 21. Now, I understand that 21 is not that bad in terms of what other teachers are dealing with, even other teachers at my school. I think I am annoyed because I didn’t have any time to prepare for this. I’m short one set of everything in my classroom. So, there’s always one kid who doesn’t get something. And it’s hard having an odd number anyway.

In general, things have not been going well in any sense of the word. My kids have learned nothing (and I’ll provide some humorous evidence of this later in the post). Their behavior is pretty much out of control and everything that I know about classroom management does nothing to combat it. In general, the kids who need the discipline think that it’s absolutely hilarious when they get in trouble. When I speak with their parents, they say, “Ok, maestra” (that’s Spanish for “teacher”) but the students’ behavior does not change. The kids who don’t need discipline are already well-behaved. A had to move his card the other day for the first time all year because he wouldn’t stop talking to L. I asked him twice and then told him to move his card. He was very upset about it and apologized in an actual sincere way. I told him it was ok, that he just needed to make better choices. He nodded, and then said, “Do I still have to move my card?” Yes, A, yes you do.

Today something happened that just really made my blood boil. We have access to United Streaming where we can stream educational videos from the internet. My kids were going to Jess’s room for science so I could administer the DRA and I told them they’d be watching a video. They had the gall to ask if I would be giving them popcorn.
Me: “Um, no. I’ve bought you figs during reading and pretzles during math this week. So no, you won’t be getting popcorn.”
Them: “But we like popcorn!”
Me: “Tough, you’ll survive. I’ve bought you pencils, erasers, folders, notebooks, binders, books, AND pens this year. So, no, I’m not giving you popcorn.”
And THEN, J has the guts to raise his hand and say: “Well, since we’ll be in Ms. S’s room, couldn’t you just go drive to the store and buy us popcorn?”
Seriously, kid, you have some serious attitude problems. Not to mention that you obviously haven’t been listening to me for the past five minutes.

And now, the best part of this whole post- the responses to the Social Studies assessment that we gave last week. All but one of them got at least one question wrong and most of them obviously had no idea what primary and secondary sources are even though I’ve been hammering it into them for a week and a half.

Question: List different kinds of sources you could use to find information about the town you live in.
Answer: The zoo tell’s you about Alum Rock.
Yes, those talking animals tell us alot.

Question: What kinds of primary sources can you use to learn about family history?
Answers: A noospaper a picher uf my grandma a magnet
picture magnet (They’re confusing science and social studies)
And, my personal favorite, answering this same question: book of wwe smackdown an saw 2 3 Green eggs an ham

Ah, yes, WWE Smackdown. What an awesome primary source.

I finished my second week of teaching. In spite of the bad start, it didn’t end so badly. At least, not in terms of the kids.

As we came in from afternoon recess, I noticed a slip of paper on my desk from our principal asking the second grade teachers to come for a short meeting right after school. The six of us show up, and our principal says that she has bad news.

“As you know, the second grade numbers are very low. We thought we were going to get more enrollment, but we just haven’t. So, we have to dissolve one of your classes.”

Cue shocked silence.

“I need you to work as a team to decide which class will be closed. That teacher will move down to Kinder. If you can’t come up with a volunteer by Monday, I’ll have to just choose one of you.”

More shocked silence.

We left the office not really sure what to think. After asking our principal more questions (we realized we didn’t have enough information after we left the office) here’s the scoop:

The enrollment in second grade is the lowest in the school. The enrollment in Kinder is the highest in the school. One of the Kinder teachers has to leave. Thus, it makes sense to send a second grade teacher down to Kinder.

It will be difficult for us to choose who has to leave. It will also be difficult to lose a member of the team. We’re already working really well together and we have a whole system set up. If I ended up moving, I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d be upset because I’d lose those hours and hours I spent setting up my classroom. I would really miss my second graders. And most of all, I would have no idea how to teach kinder. All my training is in second grade.

We decided to give ourselves a day to digest the news. We’re having a team meeting on Sunday to decide who has to go. I’m going to bed grappling with the idea that by the middle of next week, I may be facing a classroom of 5 year olds instead of 7 year olds.

Does anybody remember that book where that kid Alexander has like the worst day that a 7 year old could ever possibly imagine? Well, yesterday was like that for me. I don’t know what was going on. The kids were out of control. They were blatantly disrespectful. They wouldn’t stop talking. They didn’t respond to consequences or positive reinforcement. I think it forced a couple of gray hairs onto my head. I was exhausted and stressed out by the end. I don’t really know what I need to be doing differently, but something has got to change, because, man oh man, I cannot do that again. I was so overwhelmed that I almost started crying when I was at the gym yesterday. My personal trainer would have been really concerned if I had started crying in the middle of my squats.

But I digress.

Today it was a struggle to force myself to go to school. I did feel less overwhelmed today, but I am still entirely convinced that I’m not really an effective teacher. I can’t decide if it’s the curriculum or me that’s the problem, but again, something has to change.

I moved the kids’ desks around this morning before school. That helped quite a bit in the classroom actually. E still won’t stop interrupting me to ask me to repeat my instructions for the 15th time or stay on task for more than five seconds. I had several individual talks with him today about making better choices and being respectful to ourselves and each other to no avail. It’s difficult to believe that he can behave. He hasn’t shown me even a glimmer of good behavior since school started (although at one point today he did turn to the right page without me having to repeat myself- a step in the right direction). I need to come up with some kind of individualized plan for him, but I don’t know him well enough yet to find out what it is that will motivate him.

Yesterday I also unveiled my Big Goal. I read “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” by Dr. Seuss. The kids liked hearing the story, and I based my whole thing around it. I taught them to cheer “Work hard, get smart, move mountains!” But I don’t think they quite got the metaphor. They did enjoy cheering during class. I think that I didn’t do a spectacular job of investing them in the goal. Probably because I was telling E to stop talking every other word. Hmm.

Goal for tomorrow: administer the DRA to E so that I can show with evidence that he’s really low. Baby steps.

Now that I’ve got a few minutes to myself, I thought I’d write about my students, and the highlights from week 1. I’ve got a good group of kids who like participating in class. Maybe a little too much. But, I like participation better than total silence, because then at least I know they’re getting something out of it.

Let’s see… so many things happened this week that it’s hard to sift through them all and pick out the interesting things. My favorite part of the week was my impromptu lecture on where English came from. I think I may have mentioned this in my last post. The kids were really into it. I had just finished explaining how the Founding Fathers of our Country spoke English, and that’s why we speak English now. I said that if our Founding Fathers had spoken Spanish, we’d probably be speaking Spanish now. Then A raises his hand and says, “How come I speak Spanish at home if I was born here?” Ah, A. He always comes up with these great insightful questions. I asked the class to raise their hands if their families came from Mexico. Over half of the hands in the room went up. Then I said, “Well, you guys all just told me how hard it is to learn English. Just because your families set foot in the US doesn’t mean they’ll automatically learn English. Your families spoke Spanish in Mexico, and that’s why they speak Spanish here. Because it takes a long time to learn another language.” Oh, they thought that was so cool. Making that connection was really great for them. Then, V raises her hand and says, “My dad says that the Americans stole California from the Mexicans.” Oh, boy. I wasn’t really prepared to get into the Mexican-American War, so I briefly explained that yes, there was a war between US and Mexico, and the US won. So now we get California. About 15 more hands shot into the air at that point, so I said that I’d prepare something in more detail for Tuesday. And that’s why I’m teaching my kids about the history of California on Tuesday.

I also have to prepare my big goal for Tuesday. I’m basing it off of Dr. Suess’s “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” I’m going to tell them that they can move mountains just like in the book. I hope it goes well.

Speaking of, I’ve got a zillion posters to make, even more papers to grade, and lesson plans to figure out. So much for the long weekend. At least we got to go play mini-golf last night, even if we were all exhausted by 10 pm. Yes, such is the life of a teacher.

It wasn’t until last night that I actually felt like a real teacher. For the first three or so days this week, I felt half like I was living in some surreal dream, and half like I was some kind of babysitter. Then, last night while I was at the gym, the feeling finally hit me that I am actually those 7 year olds’ teacher.

What prompted this sudden realization, you may ask? Well, I realized that when I don’t have anything else to think about, I’m thinking about my kids. I’m thinking about what I’m going to do to get E to stop sounding out sight words and begin actually reading in English. I’m thinking about what kinds of challenge activities I’m going to give to A, who is clearly way above the rest of my class. I’m thinking about how I’m going to teach V to tell time, because she was the only one in class yesterday who couldn’t do it. I’m thinking about how I need to administer the DRA ASAP, so that I actually know what level they’re on.

All of these thoughts were running through my head as I was absentmindedly putting on my socks at the gym. And then my brain suddenly realized what it was doing. That’s when I figured out what it feels like to be a teacher. I imagine it’s somewhat like being a parent, but I wouldn’t really know.

As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, I survived my first week of teaching. I still have a lot of work to do in my classroom, since I ran out of time before the first day of school. I’m going in today so that I can be actually ready for the week. Being a teacher here is way different than anything I experienced at Institute. But even though that is true, I realized that I learned so much at Institute. I learned how to manage a classroom and how to invest my students. I learned how to clearly present content so that they get it. And I really learned how to give clear instructions. I’ve only had minor confusion in my classroom about specific things, and a couple of my kids are really good at asking questions if I’m not clear. The only thing I didn’t learn at Institute is how to teach a scripted curriculum. That is probably because these curricula tend to be adequate but not excellent. Adequate teachers use the curriculum like it’s the Bible, and the kids learn some stuff but they don’t make significant gains. Excellent teachers bend the rules to give the kids what they need. I think that’s why TFA didn’t teach us how to use the curriculum- because we probably shouldn’t really be using it. (OCR Police- if you’re reading this, please don’t come get me.) So my goal for myself this week is to figure out how to teach the curriculum while still making gains with my students. It’s big, yes, but I think I can do it.

More teaching stories to come later. For now, I have to go work.